A Few Silly Ones

[IS IT ME!]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find
any.


4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks, are
too
high."


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in..


6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".


7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak

and heat it.


9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."


12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's
cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"


13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."


14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!


15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.


16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for
it.'


17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's
Colin.


18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"


19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was
nice."


21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"


22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue

workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb
as digging continues into the night